To everyone who responded to my ask for support today (and a story about karaoke night)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your support, both practical and emotional, has been so uplifting today. I’ve been nothing short of inundated with financial support, kind messages, and people boosting my content (and buying my album??!!! Hello?!?!?!).

I am so grateful for you all, and I believe this series of challenging events has been divine timing in a way. My account is rapidly expanding on TikTok, allowing me to reach the queer community with my music and my story.

I mean, who are we really without community? Without each other? Despite how stressful this has been logistically, I feel more connected with my people (you included) than I have in a long time, and I am looking forward to keeping you all updated here and connecting with you in comments, messages, texts, calls, and whatever other means we can.

Speaking of, I’m probably going to try this chat feature soon. It’s kinda like a group chat for my blog, and I want anyone who wants to interact here and follow my journey to be free to do so.

I also want to use this moment to stand in responsibility—I’ve been looping an endless cycle of instability since 2020. This will be my 11th move since then. I mean, fuck, that’s coming up on 6 years. At some point I have to admit that I’ve been part of the problem.

Yes, I have my limitations. Yes, I’m in pain. Yes, people in my past fucked me over. Family, friends, people I trusted once upon a time. But like I said in a recent TikTok sharing my situation, I’ve overstayed my welcome in the victim space. I used to be a victim, but at my age, I feel it’s become more of an illusion of victimhood than anything. And that’s on PTSD. It’ll do that to a person. But no one is forced to stay there.

I’m sure as hell not gonna stay there.

I make unique, impactful music, I’m smart, I’m capable, I have a powerful story, and I’m a beautiful woman. I mean, what says power more than that?

The truth is, I’ve been hiding from my own power, my own capability to create the life I want. I was scared of my potential for so long, because I’ve known it is massive since I was a kid, yet I felt like I didn’t deserve it. Coming out of religious and cult spaces, shame is such a big deal. There was a lot of shame I had to work through in order to get to this point.

To be clear: this isn’t a sob story, it’s the beginning of my next chapter of evolution. And this chapter will be amazing, I already know it.

On a certain level, I needed this crisis to occur—we tend to avoid changing until the pain of staying stagnant becomes unbearable.

The situation I’m leaving was heavily codependent, and that takes participation on all sides. I am not without fault. I haven’t taken responsibility for my life in years, let alone during the time I’ve stayed here. I am a recovering people-pleaser, and people-pleasing is both a form of manipulation and a trauma response.

You would probably stare wide-eyed if you could hear the incessant crossfire of allegations against one another of abuse in this household in the past few months. And honestly, everyone was right, and everyone was wrong. I have caused harm, and I have been harmed. It’s incredibly important to acknowledge that we are all capable of harm, and that we will hurt people if we don’t address our trauma. It’s the whole “hurting people hurt people” thing.

I’m working on my end in therapy.

But mere days after I chose to disengage from codependency, I was served an eviction notice. Honestly, I simultaneously don’t blame them (my former chosen family), and I’m happy to be rid of them. We all fucked up and I got the short end of the stick because I earned it—at first glance. But I don’t feel shorted, nor do I feel ashamed. I feel liberated.

We can’t take everyone with us on our journey. When I got here, I imagined this could be my chosen family for the rest of my life. But people aren’t always growing in the same direction or at the same pace. And that’s okay. I’m deeply okay with this change. I needed this for my own growth.

I have no idea what comes next, but the radical shift that I feel in my body is a sense of excitement that coexists with both the anxiety and the heartbreak I feel right now. My inner child is alive and full of energy inside my body.

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this excited about my life. Yeah, you can look at my present situation and say it’s shit, but why? That’s so much less interesting. That’s been my story for almost 6 years now. I’m sick of it. No, bored. There’s nothing left for me in this cycle, so it’s time to break free.

Maybe I’m just being optimistic and the stress hasn’t fully met my body yet. But something feels different this time.

I started feeling it last Thursday, when I went to karaoke night at a local bar and made some new friends. I actually had fun—I let myself have fun. And even though I went home in pain because I stood for most of the night, what I realized the next morning was that some things are absolutely worth the pain. That’s a new perspective for me. It was so recharging to be around people who I felt understood me and liked me.

Like, I knew in my head that’s how it worked, but it met my heart that following morning. It gave me hope, and it was simply the act of connecting with genuine, kind, open-hearted people that did it. So now I want, like, way more of that in my life. :-) Because after years of dealing with depression and suicidality and stress and pain, I feel like I unlocked the door to what makes life worth it, which is each other.

This morning, I quite literally woke myself up laughing from a silly dream my brain decided to have (thanks, brain). And tomorrow, I have a movie night with my new friends. We’re going to eat snacks and watch Moulin Rouge and I can’t wait. It’ll be a brief intermission from the chaos, and then I’ll get back to making my next move. I don’t know if I’ll be in this town for much longer, but even if I’m not, I’ll make new friends wherever I go. Those relationships don’t have to last forever to be meaningful. It’s how we experience connection in the moment that really makes an impact. At least for me.

In conclusion, my heart is so full, and you all are the ones that poured into me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ll keep you posted as I get closer to my move-out date and as I work to provide for myself this winter—and not solely rely on the grace and generosity of those around me. Because I know I have what it takes to succeed. I hope this post touches something in your heart and reminds you that you, too, have what it takes.

Love you big.

MOXIE <3

P.S. If you enjoyed this post, would you mind liking, commenting, restacking, and/or sharing with a friend? While I am writing primarily to keep concerned friends and family updated, I also hope to inspire even more people with my story, and I’m leaning into content creation as an avenue for eventually providing for myself.