Enough
There’s this sound on TikTok (yes, I use the cursed app) that says “Break the cycle today, or the loop will repeat tomorrow” and as irritating as any self-help / virality crossover is, it’s true.
I’ve been stuck in a loop. THE loop. Momentarily unconscious, afraid, feebly chasing a standard of perfection that never existed before handheld magic rectangles existed.
I am realizing that I don’t want what I think I want, and I’m actively avoiding what I actually want by fixating on what I think I want.
I’ve struggled to know the difference between a desire and a fantasy.
I’ve had a lot of fantasies about finally being seen. Making it big. Being on stage.
When I was playing in bands as a teenager, that was euphoria. Playing on stage was the one time I felt like I could just be myself and be celebrated for it.
I think the dream is evolving though, because while I still long to feel seen, I don’t need it to be dramatic. It just needs to be real for me. I don’t need to prove to anyone else how worthy I am.
What do I really want?
I want enough. To be enough. To have enough. To do enough. To care enough. To say enough. To see enough. To know enough. To end the constant search for more, more, more.
I don’t think there’s any special trick. I think I just get to decide that I am enough, and everything else will follow from there.
I am enough. I have enough. I do enough. Let’s start there.
That’s the sauce, don’t get lost in it.